Accepting the Bounty

So, this is kinda crazy, but I wrote this post (and didn’t publish it) the day before I crashed my mountain bike, blacked out and shattered a bone in my right index finger that required me to experience my first broken bone, to undergo my first major surgery, and to have my first go-round with general anesthesia.  I made it through all of this with the help of a few amazing people, and suffice it to say that these words below are ringing even more true right now.  I have so many more thoughts and insights on this theme today than I had when I wrote this last week, and so much more to work through and share.  BUT…it’s going to have to wait until I can type again! Hunting and pecking with my left hand has made this paragraph a 10-minute project, so stay tuned until the cast is off! 

My life has been overflowing with goodness lately. So much so, in fact, that accepting what it has to offer has turned into as challenging a practice as any of the others on my plate.  I know, you’re scoffing at me right now, saying “come on girl, smile and ride the wave!” But if you’re really honest with yourself, I bet you might find a small piece of you that has some trouble opening your arms and heart to fullness as well.

Six months ago I was writing blogposts about hanging out with Kali.  I was deeply embedded in the destructive spin of the cycle of creation, feeling Kali’s power to cut through, cut away, and eliminate everything unnecessary from my life.  It was a dark place to be, and the aftermath of her cleansing left me empty and uncertain.  Even in the thick of it, however, I knew it was going to yield fruits.  And, of course, it has.  Here I am at the exact opposite end of the cycle, experiencing abundance in a way I never have before.  I’ve had the best summer I can remember.  I taught six intense and powerful Anusara Yoga Immersions to students I connected with in the company of fellow teachers I love and respect.  I practiced asana nearly every day, and as a result experienced levitation in my arm balances, a whole new kind of access to my core, and deeper hip opening than ever before.  I went to at least 15 live music events, rode my bike over 50 days, floated rivers, swam in ponds and creeks, sat on my deck for hours, witnessed unique sunsets nearly every night, ate succulent homegrown food, stargazed, moongazed, and watched my flowers grow.  Above all, I had countless moments of connection with other human beings – from smiles exchanged with the grocery store checker to insights shared with yoga students to powerful intimacy with an amazing new partner.

It’s a lot.  I’m trying to take it in, and believe that I deserve it all.  In order to do so, there are a host of old tapes (maybe they’re more like 8-track cassettes –they’re that ancient!) in my head that have to be silenced.  They say things like “just wait, if your love life gets good, your professional life will fall apart.”  Or, “if it looks too good to be true, then it is.”  How about this one: “don’t act too happy or tell anyone how much fun you are having because it will make them sad or jealous. Anyone with this much beauty and love in their life should keep their mouth shut and keep it to themselves.”    And then there’s the clincher, “what did you do to deserve this?”

What I did to deserve it, of course, is be born.  I didn’t have to earn joy and abundance through hard work or suffering; it’s my birthright – and yours too.  It’s more obvious at some times than others – in part because of our life circumstances, and in part because of the perspectives we choose to take – but it’s always present.  What is amazing to me is that there is part of me that tries this hard to sabotage – or at least muffle – the exuberance of a blessed life, the recognition of happiness as my birthright.  Sad, really.

Thankfully I have gotten to a point in my practices and life that I can recognize those ugly tapes and identify them for the outdated programming that they are.  That’s where the daily practice comes in.  I have finally arrived at a point where no matter how many wild, wooly, and wonderful things are happening in my life, I know that I must must must keep up my sitting practice and my asana or a hijacking of my mind is immanent.  It’s not easy to take a time out from the momentum of fun to sit and to move on the mat.  But I did it most days, and I think that level of commitment is what helped me to identify these bad mental patterns and keep them at bay.  Then I am ready to show up at the table of abundance, say grace, and feast – not with gluttony, but with openness and celebration.

I’m hoping that if I learn to receive with more grace I’ll weather the spins of the cycle in better style.  I’ll remain steady, open, and grateful, and more of all, able to move that abundance through me and onto others – which is my ultimate goal.

We’ll see.  But I am figuring a public acknowledgement of the amazing gift of this 2012 summer is a good place to start.

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~ by bridgetannlyons on September 14, 2012.

2 Responses to “Accepting the Bounty”

  1. YAY!!!!!!!!! great post…..enjoy every moment and shine…it helps other remember that there is always goodnesss around the corner. the picture of your flowers and produce and food are wonderful.
    I always enjoy your classes and thenk you for that killer hip opening class at mind your body.

    • Beautiful words Bridget, you make me realize that life has so much more to offer than I am willing to realize right now. Your thoughts and feelings so much mirror my “inner monologues” that it is scary. So glad to know you, and know that you have come through to a happy and shining place in your life! It inspires me!! Heal quickly! Let me know when you are back in PC, would love to get together with you.
      Namaste!
      Juliet

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